69| MASK OFF

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I’m only opening up and sharing here because I feel guided by my ancestors and angels to do so. And if this resonates with at least one person and that one person walks away feeling a little more at ease or less alone. That’s enough of a reason for me to want to share.

A little background about myself. I can be going through hell. I could be hanging on by a thread. Could be screaming from inside my being. But on the outside you’d never notice.

I sometimes struggle with that part of myself. I go back and forth from voicing what’s going on inside me with someone close. To then going back within and just keeping it in. Working through it. Whether with meditation, self reflecting, journaling, shadow work etc. Or even therapy. Which is what I’m leaning towards at the moment.

One of the reasons why I go back and forth from voicing to working through it on my own is that I don’t like to burden others with my problems. Which is why I am leaning towards therapy again.

These years since and slightly prior to my mom’s passing have been trying. A lot of lessons and a lot of highs and lows. Times where I’ve had to pick myself up from the floor or bed to keep going. What I miss the most about my mother is that she loved me unconditionally. I could tell her anything and she’d know what to say even if she felt she didn’t. Her words and hugs always helped. Now I have to turn to her for guidance in other ways. Asking her for signs, and to see her in my dreams. Ay mami. Tu negrita si que esta dolida sin ti.

I’ve been taking a lot of time to self reflect and see where I have played a role in the way things are at the moment. How they’ve been for a while. And it’s taken me on a journey that feels even more alone in a way. It’s a journey back to myself and a journey towards growth.

Today, I find myself crying on and off to release the build up. Crying is a great way of releasing energy.

I know I’m not from Earth. I know my Home is elsewhere and that my time here is not unending. The energies here feel so heavy at times, feel like a lot. Often times it’s the energy of others that I am absorbing so I am working on protecting my energy more. And am hoping to find a balance where I can do that and still be out there. I feel like I’ve pulled myself back from a lot of things, people and places. But I also don’t feel like “I am missing out”. Please if you know me personally, and feel like I have been distant from you it’s not you. It’s me. I try to also be alone when I don’t want my low vibes affecting others. Nature is calling. Loudly. I need to ground. To center.

See? This is why I encourage journaling and writing down your thoughts. I’ll go to the lake today after work and head to the gym after.

The gym has been a great way to take whatever emotions I am feeling, whether good or bad and turn that energy into something productive. My body and health.

I also am aware of the many things that I have to be thankful for. I remind myself of this often. I also speak positivity into my life. But, that isn’t always a cure all. Sometimes you have to just surrender and feel what you need to feel.

The hardest part about adulting is having to do all of your day to day responsibilities while you’re falling apart from the inside out. No one ever tells you that, or maybe they do and we didn’t listen?

“I have everything I need already within me. I Am powerful enough to heal, grow and evolve through any situation or emotional pain.” ~ excerpt from Remember Who the Fuck You Are by Candyss Love

Thanks for reading and stepping inside my truth for a moment.

Love, light, the shadow too—- Cin.

If you’d like to donate or support me and my blog: Cashapp $cincimma , Venmo   @cincimma funds go towards learning.  materials, and monthly website domain fees.

56|PARTIE DEUX

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Thank you to everyone that read my last post. It meant a lot to me. I also received messages of love and support and I just want to say that I truly appreciate every single one!

With the recent changes new boundaries have been established. Like I said before, some people are still refusing to accept them but that’s a problem that they have to overcome not me.

I haven’t heard or spoken to my father since the Sunday after Black Friday. That was when I went back to the house to pick up some remaining items. That was also when I sat with him telling him how things would be moving forward. I didn’t mention in the previous post that one of his responses was questioning why I wouldn’t go into the home anymore? That I can’t react that way and come to that decision because him and this woman didn’t start their relationship while my mother was still alive. And I told him that I understood that. But, that I’m just not ready to be a part of this chapter of his life. I need time. How much time? I don’t know. But I need time. This had been voiced previously, multiple times. So it’s not news. There’s a lot that I am leaving out, because I still have respect for him. But the way that everything came to be was on some “I’m doing what I want, likes it who likes it. I don’t care.” Fine. Sir stand on that. Just sucks that he assumed I’d be along for it. Again. He knew this not to be true. But I guess he thought I’d change my mind.

He said that I didn’t have a right to keep his grandchild away from him. To which I responded, that in no way would I ever. It just has to be different and not at the house. I did also tell him that if things didn’t work out, that he should always know that I’d never be one to say “I told you so.” To trust that myself and my oldest brother would be there for him if he ever needed.

I have asked those that call me and are also in touch with him to not tell me about the things that he does for his wife and step daughters. I’ve heard about cakes, laptops, driving lessons, etc… And I’ve been telling those people “hey, whenever you call me and want to talk, I’d rather you not tell me this or that.” Simple.

Like I stated in the previous post, any dealings that we’ll have in the future will be either in a neutral environment or in my home.

I know when I’ll officially meet her. They don’t know but I do. It’ll be with my brother next to me. I want to show a united front when it comes to being his children. Yes, we may not live in the household or talk to him everyday. But he’s not alone.

Throughout all of this I’ve had to stop telling my father my personal business. So, whenever I need a listening ear or advice I have to either go within, or go to others. I know him and I don’t want him pillow talking about my business.

I am honestly just looking forward to the dust settling and moving on with my life. So I am leaving this here to just move on. I also wanted to say my part because I know people talk, people within the family and outside of it talk. And why not give my side? So here it is. In black and white in entries 55 and 56 for whoever wants to return and reference as to why things within the family unit have taken the turn that they have.

Let me tell you about some of the things that I found in that attic! It was a ride down memory lane! I found school IDs that my mom had kept, one of my first journals from the age of 9! I also found many letters and cards and test scores from when I became a Medical Assistant. I was shocked to see in black and white how great my grades were. They were all 80s and 90s. It showed me that memories can be fickle. I also found my first JT poster pictured below. Now I look at him and cringe lol no offense.

Again, thank you.

Love, light, the shadow too—-Cin.

If you’d like to donate or support me and my blog: Cashapp $cincimma , Venmo @cincimma funds go towards learning materials, and monthly website domain fees.